My Name Is Cam And I Am Selfish
I'm finally learning to come to grips with the fact that I have a selfish personality. I was in denial about it for a long time and ironically that denial did nothing but make my selfish nature worse because it went unchecked. I can even go as far as saying that I am addicted to being selfish. That may seem like on overstatement but when I look at my life and realize that I went after things that made me feel good, made me look good, or made me feel smart, to the detriment of other people, the conclusion seems obvious.
You may be thinking, Cam everyone is selfish, you're not addicted to it, that's just how people are. Frankly I think 'that's just how people are' is a terrible reason to be ok with something, right up there with 'that's how it's always been done'.
I need to make a life change. I can't honor God with my life if I'm so busy making my life about me and how awesome I am.
I need to drink more water and less beer and pop. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables and less processed crap. I need to stop staying up so late for no reason other than to stay up. I need to read more, and watch less TV. I need to be present with my family, now and in the future. I can't do that if I'm fat, lazy, and cranky.
I need to exercise more and spend less time sitting on my butt. I need to spend more time talking things out with my wife and spend less time in my own head.
I need to spend more time with God and less time trying to do life my way.
Honestly, I need to stop being selfish in EVERYTHING I do. Writing that out scares the crap out of me. I'm already seeing how hard this is going to be. It's a peculiar thing when you realize you've been heading down the wrong path. First you deny that you're doing anything wrong, when that fails you start to justify what you're doing, and then , eventually, you just stop caring. It's when you get there that you really have to make a choice: continue on and risk throwing your life away or get off your butt and make some changes.
I know 'throwing your life away' sounds dramatic but I was headed down a path to becoming completely addicted to unhealthy, lazy, and selfish decisions. That my friends is hell and I don't want to be there.
I really think in the process of preparing the sermons for last week and this week, and my wife being in Ethiopia for 12 days, God has opened my eyes to how I have been acting and where I was headed. His love for me is too good for me to live like a child.
So I've been eating much, much healthier the last few days and drinking way more water and less pop and beer. I feel pretty good, I've even dropped 6 pounds already. I went to bed before midnight last night, that never used to happen.
After I'm done writing this I'm going to go read…all afternoon. I even put my bike on the trainer and rode for a bit on Wednesday.
Right now I feel really good, I know I am headed in a much more balanced, mature, and healthy direction. But I also know that my personality won't let my old habits go away easily. They'll kick and scream and claw at me and I will want to fall back into them.
I know God is in this life change, I know he wants me to grow up, but I also know that I can be an idiot. So if you think about it, please pray for me in the coming days and weeks. I want to change, I want to grow, and I want to honor God in this.