At the end of John 4 there is a short story of an interaction that Christ had with an official in Cana. The official approaches Jesus and asks him to come to his house and heal his son. Jesus responds 'Unless you see signs and wonders you will not believe.' The official seems un-phased by Jesus' response and says again, 'Sir, come down before my child dies.' So he's persistent, which in this case is good. Christ then says, 'Go; your son will live.' And this is the part of the story that really got my attention, verse 50b "The man believed the word that Jesus spoke to him and went on his way."
This really messed with me. It's not as if the man is asking Jesus for something simple, he's asking Jesus to save his child from death! Yet his response to Jesus isn't what I expected. I thought to myself as I read this: I'd want Jesus' promise in writing, notarized, sworn over, and hand delivered. That's when I realized I can't even take Christ at his word. And that was a punch in the gut.
I wasn't in awe over the fact that Christ can heal a child over a distance, which is crazy if you think about it, I was too busy worrying. Worrying about something that already happened....2,000 years ago.
So it seems I've got trust issues.
I wonder how much of my sin is born out of those trust issues. And I wonder where those trust issues come from.
It seems as if I'm discovering that my head knowledge and my heart knowledge are much further apart than I had previously thought. This is deeply disconcerting.
Perhaps this is God's way of getting my attention, of making me aware of this imbalance.
If any of you have gone through similar realizations I'd love to know how you worked and prayed through it.
How do you truly start trusting God from your heart, especially when you thought you already had been?